I had some time alone grocery shopping. Thinking of Jeremy and certain children, I chose items from the shelves to bring home and store away to take care of the lives that live here. Fresh-as-a-daisy soaps, menu plans of casseroles, soups, sausage bread and snacks, extras for company, and candles tucked into my cart, my mind was occupied with people and faces. Feeding the number in my household, especially growing boys ;), has proven to be a challenge for me in the grocery budget. I kinda like the challenge though. It feels like my job. Being creative and thrifty, but not cheap, is fun to me.
Checkout completed, a bit more than I'd like to spend, but thankfulness and gratitude churned in my heart. Thoughts of my young marriage, Jeremy pursuing a degree an hour and a half away from our home, me in a new place and alone a lot, a small baby, long winters, part of our beginnings, come to mind. God knew where we were going. Now, here we are 15 years later, those early years made a way for these years, years of seven children to love and raise, years of family and friends to share our lives with.
After shopping and spending, sometimes I face some guilt when I'm on my way back to the car (or suburban that folks say is polluting the Lord's earth.) Money worked so hard for, quickly spent, to be consumed in a week's time. In times of guilt, I have those conflicting thoughts of my life, and whether or not I should be contributing more financially to our budget (besides being thrifty). The voices of remarks made to me about the wisdom in having so many mouths to feed are also present. Money, we spend on food for people, not other ways.
I realize right now I'm going to sound really weird ;). I always talk to the Lord about those "feelings" of guilt. He gives us wisdom when we ask Him boldly. "Feelings" aren't real, His thoughts are. :) This time it was in the open, paved parking lot of Wal-Mart. Overwhelmed by the expanse of the sky above me, I suddenly felt so small. My life is a flash. Already I see how it is flying by, my real home is...heaven...to be lived in forever someday. These people I shop for, are not me. They are individuals, also born to know the Father, to go home to heaven someday too. How many will they affect for Him? How many people will they love, and then someday, they too will bring into this world? More, to point the way? People are not numbers. They are individuals with worth and value. That is what Jeremy works so hard for, that is why my marriage and respecting Jeremy is not only healthy for me and my family, but it does have lasting value. It's not a disposable institution. A little thing, like making a requested meal, is an act of love, a building block for a wife and mom. We are affecting the world when we affect one. I always say how much I don't want a dry as dust life. It helps to get a vision from God's perspective, and the sparkle from His perspective starts to touch that which I do.
Even when I shop at Wal-Mart.
Psalm 113:9 He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!